Choices

| 09/10/2015

youareyourchoices

 

I woke up to a new day and noticed again how different my life is now, not in a good way…

Granted, it is a misty, damp Autumn morning which evokes a little melancholy so automatically that’s what I started to feel. I used to live with Mark, the love of my life and that is quite different from living alone like I do now. Sometimes I simply wish that life was like it used to be, comfortable and cozy. Full of good company and good fun and good conversation and love. These thoughts, if I dwell on them are actually neither comforting nor helpful. All I feel is sad and alone.

So I’m wondering why my mind wanders to this place? Is it because I want to feel the pain of grief and loss?  Is it simply a habit? I definitely know I have choices so why would I do that to myself? It’s something I’ve often asked myself because I’ve been faced with this choice many times.

The thing is, having this choice is something I have worked hard to get because at one time it wasn’t a choice. I didn’t even know that a choice was possible. I used to live every day in the deepest emotional pain of grief and loss asking myself if this is all that my life is now? When I’m faced with this choice obviously I can do one of two things. Either I can go to that bleaker place because it is simply a habit or perhaps because maybe I’m a masochist. Or I can choose not to go to the dark side and instead turn to that lighter place. The place where I can create new ways of living without my husband.

No matter which I choose I have to notice that the life I used to have with him has changed beyond recognition. But only if I choose the lighter place am I able to see that the things I miss have actually, amazingly been transmuted. I wrote that my life with Mark was: “… comfortable and cozy. Full of good company and good fun and good conversation and love…” And now when I take a closer look – it still is. Not in the same way, not at all because Mark is not here. But without a doubt those things that I purport to miss and feel sad about, remain in my life. Albeit differently. I have to make that choice to see them though.

Would I have chosen my life to be this way? No, is the quick answer. Why not? Because it is challenging and it forces me to grow in ways that I could never have imagined, and that’s difficult. But Life chose it for me. I’ve been a “seeker” all my adult life so I guess it was inevitable that Life would provide this massive opportunity for me to expand my knowledge. And not only that, but then to also teach me how to teach these insights to others.

And how, you might be asking do I have the wherewithal not to succumb to self pity? Because that’s what it is if I were to choose that bleaker place? I use the tried and tested techniques of self love, coaching, meditation and healing. I have to, otherwise I would just spiral down into the abyss of dark self pity. I don’t go there because I can choose to turn to that lighter place because I have an inner core strength that has been created by those tried and tested techniques that are available to everyone.

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Category: coaching, grief, healing, meditation, self love

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