Archive for October, 2015

Choices

youareyourchoices

 

I woke up to a new day and noticed again how different my life is now, not in a good way…

Granted, it is a misty, damp Autumn morning which evokes a little melancholy so automatically that’s what I started to feel. I used to live with Mark, the love of my life and that is quite different from living alone like I do now. Sometimes I simply wish that life was like it used to be, comfortable and cozy. Full of good company and good fun and good conversation and love. These thoughts, if I dwell on them are actually neither comforting nor helpful. All I feel is sad and alone.

So I’m wondering why my mind wanders to this place? Is it because I want to feel the pain of grief and loss?  Is it simply a habit? I definitely know I have choices so why would I do that to myself? It’s something I’ve often asked myself because I’ve been faced with this choice many times.

The thing is, having this choice is something I have worked hard to get because at one time it wasn’t a choice. I didn’t even know that a choice was possible. I used to live every day in the deepest emotional pain of grief and loss asking myself if this is all that my life is now? When I’m faced with this choice obviously I can do one of two things. Either I can go to that bleaker place because it is simply a habit or perhaps because maybe I’m a masochist. Or I can choose not to go to the dark side and instead turn to that lighter place. The place where I can create new ways of living without my husband.

No matter which I choose I have to notice that the life I used to have with him has changed beyond recognition. But only if I choose the lighter place am I able to see that the things I miss have actually, amazingly been transmuted. I wrote that my life with Mark was: “… comfortable and cozy. Full of good company and good fun and good conversation and love…” And now when I take a closer look – it still is. Not in the same way, not at all because Mark is not here. But without a doubt those things that I purport to miss and feel sad about, remain in my life. Albeit differently. I have to make that choice to see them though.

Would I have chosen my life to be this way? No, is the quick answer. Why not? Because it is challenging and it forces me to grow in ways that I could never have imagined, and that’s difficult. But Life chose it for me. I’ve been a “seeker” all my adult life so I guess it was inevitable that Life would provide this massive opportunity for me to expand my knowledge. And not only that, but then to also teach me how to teach these insights to others.

And how, you might be asking do I have the wherewithal not to succumb to self pity? Because that’s what it is if I were to choose that bleaker place? I use the tried and tested techniques of self love, coaching, meditation and healing. I have to, otherwise I would just spiral down into the abyss of dark self pity. I don’t go there because I can choose to turn to that lighter place because I have an inner core strength that has been created by those tried and tested techniques that are available to everyone.

09/10/2015 More

Clearing your loved one’s belongings after they’ve died

teddybearcollectionEveryone is different, we know this. But when it comes to a death, and I’m talking about the death of a loved one, for some of us their belongings can be tricky to deal with. What do we keep and what do we throw away? Is it right to clear away all of the things that they used in life? Or is it right to keep them? Or is the right thing to throw some and keep some?

Some people are minimalist and some are hoarders. Then there are those that are somewhere in between. Some of us are sentimental and some just aren’t that way at all. For some people it is enough that their loved one lives on in their memory and they have no need to keep anything. Then there are others who want to stay surrounded by their things as a way of connection. The surest thing about all of this is that there is no right or wrong way. We do what we feel is right for our particular situation and don’t let anyone tell you differently.

But if you are like me and have already done a lot of clearing but have finally got stuck because now you are down to the nitty-gritty like personal commuters that still receive emails, external hard drives and various other digital storage systems with who knows what beautiful photos of the grand children on them? His designer clothes and other beautiful things, including his much loved teddy bear collection. The feeling is weighty and it comes into my mind often and takes up precious space and energy. What is the best way forward?

Yes, at a push I could do this part myself but I’ve done so so much, with the help of a friend, over the past two years that I feel now I could actually delegate this last part to someone else. Someone who does this for a living. A professional. Someone who has the time and patience to rescue the photos and store them for the future. Someone who is dispassionate and can easily see what is useful and what is not. I don’t want to do it by myself, I’m over it, but at the same time I want and need it to be done.

I had an “aha” moment at a John Demartini evening last week when he advocated the positive effects of delegating activities in your life that you just don’t want to do, or you are not able to do for one reason or another. It’s an act of self-love on my part.

So yes, you can do the clearing alone and/or with the help of friends and family – there are a ton of blogs about how to do that –  but you can also employ a professional. There will be people in your local area that will be doing this as a business. I just did a simple search online. We had a meeting and as yet haven’t done the clearing yet, I’m waiting to hear back from her with the plan and the price. 🙂

I’ll write again with the results and how it felt working with her.

01/10/2015 More