Archive for July, 2015

Healing from grief

I find it interesting that there is so much written about grief yet none of it is helpful, not really. In fact it’s the opposite.

The effect of all these statements about what happens to you when someone you love dies is that it can create so much more pain and sadness. Although I realise that this isn’t the intention.

I can’t tell you how many people have informed me, in no uncertain terms, that I will never get over it. That I will never feel alright about my husband’s death. That at best I will learn to live with the pain, but it will never, ever go away. It will just be tucked away somewhere.

My immediate reaction to these statements is why would this be the case? Why would our lives be designed this way? Why is this how grief is portrayed in our culture? What purpose does it serve? Why is this the way it is? It’s weird because on the one hand people generally expect me to be alright by now, it’s been two years after all, but somehow secretly they “know” that I can’t possibly be. Talk about a paradox, just to make things more confusing!

The fact is we humans have an incredible capacity for healing from all sorts of losses and pain and illness. It makes no sense to say that we can’t heal from grief. Of course there are plenty of people who already know this to be true because they have found meaning and purpose and healing after someone they love has died. But this is not the norm, this is not the case for most people. And also not all cultures experience death this way, some see it even more tragically than we do and some actually celebrate when a death occurs.

I think it’s time for a paradigm shift! In other words, it’s time for the usual and accepted way of doing or thinking about grief to change completely. It’s time to understand that grief is an experience that as humans we will all share to one degree or another and it’s not the case that we have to stay stuck in pain for the rest of our lives. That is just not true no matter what people say.

We CAN heal totally from grief. We just need to know how.

20/07/2015 More

The importance of self love

When you are going through a difficult time, like when someone you love dies, it is so vital to do something to redress the balance to make life easier. Doing small, simple things to let yourself know, on some level, that you matter, make all the difference to your mood and your state of mind.

The thing is, it is so easy not to. I know that when I was in deep grief I wasn’t able to do the simplest of things, like get out of bed and get dressed or to eat nutritious food. I just didn’t care enough.

Even if you only do one self-love activity, no matter what it is, for just a few minutes every day, it will make a world of difference to you.

Some simple examples of self-love activities that my clients have used are: taking time to drink a cup of hot tea, sitting on the porch doing nothing, wrapped in her favourite shawl looking at the view, listening to a piece of music and dancing, reading a page of a novel instead of a self-help book, going for a walk at lunch time instead of sitting at a desk.

The possibilities are endless and as long as the activity is done with the intention of self-love, it will work. I can’t stress how powerful this simple idea is. I have seen people go from endless tears and pain to a much better stable place by simply adding one self-love activity to their day.

The best time to do this is first thing then it’s done. Otherwise the day runs away and you get to the end of it tired and ill inclined to do anything remotely helpful.

Remember it’s the intention that counts and makes the difference. Let me know what you do for self-love and how it has improved your life.

With love

Josephine x

02/07/2015 More